<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Raising Hope by Rtilby</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25866556">Raising Hope</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rtilby/pseuds/Rtilby'>Rtilby</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Autism Spectrum, Ben solo looks good in fairy wings, Dirty Talk, Everybody Ships It, F/M, Happy Ending, Hux cuddles but you can’t tell anyone, Poe Dameron is a Good Friend, Praise Kink, Quiet Sex, Rey got pregnant at 19 with Hope, Single Parent Rey, Slow Burn, Soft Ben Solo, babies and marriage, but Ben going to fix that, hope will be protected at all costs, hux wears a tiara, just want to stress how amazing Rey is as a mum, lots of pets as people can’t say no to hope, please excuse my terrible writing but this is my first fic, poe and Finn are the best uncles ever!, pushover han, rey needs a hug and is a amazing mama bear, will add tags as I go along as I’m rubbish at this!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 07:55:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,200</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25866556</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rtilby/pseuds/Rtilby</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Professor Ben having recently broke up with his girlfriend and quit his teaching job has found his life has become colourless but after his mother rings to ask him to help a special needs girl at her school, he discovers he might just need a bit of Hope in his life and maybe a dash of Rey.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Armitage Hux/Rose Tico, Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>22</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Just Maybe</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Autism is a lifelong developmental disability that affects how people perceive the world and interact with others. Autistic people see, hear and feel the world differently to other people. </p><p>Maybe that’s what makes them so beautiful. </p><p> </p><p>New York is a kaleidoscope of colour and a harem of noise, it is a Broadway show in itself. Some never grow tired of it but Ben is not most men, today he feels older then his years. He feels the ache in his bones and the chill of the night. The lights are dampened and the noise muffled as he stares at nothing in particular out his window. </p><p>He thinks about his phone like he has done for the past hour debating if he should accept or not; things still aren’t perfect with his mother. It still stings when he hears her, he still feels like a man struggling to give up a smoking habit. Knowing it he should resist for his own health but he needs that one last puff but then again, he has always needed her more then she ever needed him.</p><p>“Benjamin? she sounds so much older, it gnaws away at him more then he cares to admit. Years of therapy and broken China only go so far he guesses.<br/>
“I know you said you didn’t want to teach anymore especially after what happened at the university but there is a little girl here and i think you can really help her”<br/>
she lets it sink in a bit as if testing, it reminds Ben of when he used to drop stones into the lake at grandma Padme’s house, waiting how long it would take to hit the bottom was always the best bit. </p><p>“Her mother is a friend of Maz’s, her name is Rey and is such a lovely young women, she has been homeschooling her for some time now as her last school couldn’t handle her” she is rambling now, so far into her rehearsed speech that she misses his dark chuckle “couldn’t afford a nanny then? I surprised you didn’t give her a list mother”<br/>
Now that does stop her. He can hear her flinch on the other side. </p><p>Good. He wants it to hurt. </p><p>She recover quickly if not sloppily which isn’t like her; he must be missing something. He runs hand through his  hair then finally turns back to his apartment.</p><p>Minimalist his ex used to call it; fucking mausoleum is more like it.  </p><p>Everything is in boxes like it has been for this last two months. He has been waiting; well he doesn’t even know what for but it felt right. when Kaydel left it was a relief.<br/>
He was always too intense, too emotional, too bored and exhausted to even pretend that fucking her pussy was even worth the headache he got from her. </p><p>Perhaps a change of scene would do him good.

</p><p> He quickly squashes it down and chalks it up to his childhood need to please his mother; to get some sort of positive emotion from her. Therapy was obviously overrated. </p><p>“She is autistic” she says it so matter of factly like it’s all that ever needs to be said, like it’s the beginning and end of everything.</p><p>He chokes on nothing and after a couple of minutes of trying to even form a response, his mother beats him too it “please just read her EHCP before you make any decisions, I have met her and she is such a sweet little thing and I just think we can really help her, everybody deserves a chance” </p><p>Everybody but me. You didn’t think I deserved a chance.</p><p> </p><p> Something in his head seems to woke up though, some good part of him that he didn’t know he had anymore. Some part that feels very guilty. </p><p>Perhaps I can give her chance when nobody gave me one. </p><p> He reminds himself should tell his therapist that one. </p><p>He hears his phone ding and knows It’s about the girl, he doesn’t need to know that his mother has rehearsed this too well as it is.<br/>
He shouldn’t, he knows it but like a addiction, what damage can one last puff do anyway? </p><p>“What’s her name” his voice more gravelly then he has heard it in years and he knows he can hear his mother smile on the other end of the phone. He can almost feel it  as his own hand traces his lips.<br/>
“Hope” she says before hanging up.</p><p>He looks back out the window again, blinking hard. It’s seems much brighter then before, almost blinding and so much louder.  </p><p>Hope</p><p>Maybe a change of scene would be a good idea after...</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Drown Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ben is a lot better at practicals then he thinks.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the delay but my daughter decided to scare us to death and get a ear infection during a pandemic!<br/>Apologies that this is still on my phone however the same daughter thought my laptop looked better with Ribena on it lol </p><p>So here is chapter 2, hope you enjoy. Any advice or criticism would be amazing.  xx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ben liked theory.</p><p>His whole teaching career was based on theory. He had lived his entire life by a routine with tiny little boxes he could tick done everyday. Things are simpler that way, more manageable. He is slowly finding out that in itself is very good in theory but life isn’t a theory, it’s a practical. Now practicals have never been something that Ben is good at and life seems to love reminding him of that today.</p><p>Nothing seems to ring truer as he rereads Hope’s EHCP for the hundredth time. Reading her plan is so cold and distant that he feels like he is reading about a broken car rather than a seven year old girl. He curses as he step out of the cab at the airport, stumbling slightly as he misplaces his step. He is reminds himself that he is there to board a flight back home and be should of probably mentioned to his mother that he has never taught a special needs child or adult in his life. </p><p>Ben has memorised every one page profile, every report but none of this actually explains her. It’s like someone has given him just a skeleton but Ben knows he needs meat and muscle for this work. </p><p>He is truly and utterly beyond fucked.  </p><p>He tries to push that thought out of his head but with every step he takes closer to the check in booth, it seems to want to set up camp in his mind.</p><p>What if this is mistake? Ben is a very good teacher, a fact he is immensely proud of. He has worked incredibly hard to get his professorship and many in his work circle would consider this a step down for him or professional suicide.  </p><p>Many would consider is personal suicide after the way he left with family as well. </p><p>This was definitely a mistake, he is in way over his head and should quit now while he still had his reputation in tact. </p><p>He stands in the airport lobby; half way between the check in and entrance. He swallows loudly and pushes the hair from his eyes, he tries remembers the breathing exercises his therapist told him. He worries the material of his black Henley with every breath and slowly feels his heart returning to normal. </p><p>He knows what he must do but doesn’t know if he has the strength to do it.</p><p>He tries to remember the little girl with hazel eyes, huge smile and unruly brown hair in three ridiculous ponytails. The same girl struggling to squeeze her fish toys in her EHCP photo. </p><p>She needs to have at least two toys to comfort her, one for each hand and prefers the toys to be heavy so she can be weighed down he tells himself. Those are from her finding dory phase.</p><p>She isn’t in her finding dory stage now.  Now she likes frozen but not baby Anna. </p><p>The report from the autism support worker told him that. </p><p>Ben seems hyper aware of the noise in the airport today, he can catalogues every click, clap and squeal of his fellow passengers shoes and luggage on the white floor even at this late hour. </p><p>Hope would hate this. </p><p>Fuck it. </p><p>Perhaps if he rereads her plan again he might figure out what he is missing. Yeh that’s what he will do. </p><p>Before Ben lets any more doubt creep in he whips out his Iphone to distract him and practically throws his luggage and boarding pass at the air hostess.</p><p>He knows he can’t escape now. </p><p>He faintly registers the lady talking to him above the hum of the airport but he is too busy deliberately  drowning her out, going over and over the facts in his head like a mantra, like Hansel and Gretel collecting the bread crumbs to find their way home. </p><p>Hope has sensory issues regarding clothing, she will not tolerate any rough or itchy clothing like jeans or trousers. This will cause a meltdown. She prefers leggings and/or other smooth material.</p><p>Ben makes a note to talk to his mother about leeway regarding the school uniform. </p><p>The air hostess seems to want more and more of his attention which he still refuses to give even as she clicks his fingers at him “excuse me sir, the private lounge is through those doors on the left. I will take you there now unless you need to wait for your wife or girlfriend” Her voice does nothing but grate on him.</p><p>“ Just me” Ben grunts, eyes still fixed on his phone. He waves his hand forward dismissively “thank you for the directions but don’t trouble yourself, I can take myself there” he grabs his checked luggage from her and flinches as his accidentally brushes against cold hands; must be the air con in the airport. </p><p>“Oh it’s no problem at all sir, it’s my pleasure to help you” she purrs. Her heels crack on the white floor with every step she takes and Ben can feel his irritation growing with it. He has never been more thankful as he pushes through the door of the lounge and feels carpet against his shoes. </p><p>Hope would definitely hate this.</p><p>Hope also hates hand dryer and Vacuum cleaners; he will have to talk to the janitor about what they can do. </p><p>His eyes glance above his phone screen as he appreciates the room, glad that being a trust fund baby does have some perks. </p><p>The lounge is ocean of opulent blacks and gold, of polished crystal tables and expensive leather chairs that seem to ripple and shine against the traffic lights of the incoming planes. </p><p> “As you can see, you won’t be disturbed as we currently don’t have any other VIP passengers at this hour which means you have my undivided attention” she whispers, stressing each word for his ears. </p><p>Hope uses repeated phrases to try and communicate, these are not always clear and may seem irrelevant in there context.  </p><p>He has to do this right. </p><p>“ Whiskey straight please’ he gruffly replies before arranging himself on the leather chair, eyes returning back to his phone. </p><p>He waits till he hears her walk away before commencing his mantra again, hoping not to be disturbed again. </p><p>That’s when he hears it; a little ding of a email. A email from Rey Johnston. </p><p>“What the fuck” he grumbles; clinking the email.</p><p>It’s a video.</p><p>A video of a stunningly beautiful brunette with tits that look like that they were made to put his dick between. </p><p>His cock twitches and now he knows he is fucked. </p><p>The room suddenly feels too hot, too loud and he never has wanted to watch something more in his life. Ben quickly glances around him before palming his aching cock, relieved he can’t see the chatty lady lingering about before putting his air pods in. </p><p>He watches as Rey tries to shakily get the right camera angle before settling it in front of her. She nervously ruffles her chestnut hair before tucking it behind her ears and scrunches her freckled nose. </p><p>Fuck he wants to cum on those freckles. </p><p>She is wearing a simple white top and black jeans and she is already the most beautiful girl he has every seen, he stares at her like she is the beginning and end of every dream he has ever had. </p><p>Thank god she isn’t here now; she would surely laugh at him, mouth wide open and gaping at her like he is a fish in a bowl. </p><p>“ Erm hi, my name is Rey and this is my daughter Hope” </p><p>The camera quickly turns to see a Hope humming contently while she sits surrounded by colouring books and pencils; she gives a smile and little wave. Ben laughs and waves back before realising, he looks around again and tries to make it look like he is running his hand through his hair. </p><p>Smooth solo</p><p>The camera flashes back to Rey and in this light he can see Hope has her eyes, a light hazel green. It reminds Ben of the when he would walk through the forest during summer vacation, he can almost feel the warmth of the cool sunlight on his face as he watches her.</p><p>“I have never done this before so please bare with me” she giggles and oh fuck does his dick jump then. Her smile should be illegal. </p><p>“ I’m doing this so you get to know Hope a bit better as that EHCP is a piece of shit” he roars at that, it’s something that they both can agree on and he finds himself hoping they can agree on a lot more in the future. </p><p>“Mummy that’s a naughty word” he hears faintly in the background and sees Rey’s eyes widen as she realises and curses again.</p><p> Ben roars again and feels pin pricks of tears in the corner of his eyes; he hasn’t laughed this hard in years and he still has another thirty minutes of video to go. </p><p>Rey cringes as she adjusts the camera again before turning back to Hope. She leans over the edge of the couch, brushing the hair off of Hopes face. Her white top rises slightly causing Ben to groan. </p><p>He is hard as a rail now and places his hand over his bulge; the denim doing nothing to relief the ache. His hips buck into it, desperate to get some friction and relief. She is all lithe muscles and long tanned legs; he wants nothing more to feel them trembling around his face as he licks her cunt. He thinks he would sell his soul to fuck her over that old couch. </p><p>“That’s right princess, mummy is naughty, you mustn’t say naughty words”  </p><p>Yes mummy is naughty, she wouldn’t get a chance to say naughty words choking on my cock. That pretty little face deserves to get fucked. Hard. </p><p> </p><p>The air hostess inelegantly places his whiskey on the table in front of him and it’s like someone throwing cold water over him. He quickly turns his phone off and pulls his AirPods out, reminding him of a teenager getting caught watching porn for the first time. </p><p>What the fuck was he doing! This poor women was trusting him to help with her daughter and all he could think of was doing fifty shades on her. </p><p>A girl like that wouldn’t look twice at him. </p><p>“Thank you” he whispers, not meeting her eyes. He keeps his eyes focussed on stain in the carpet, anywhere other than her. He notices her shuffle in her heels before kneeling in front of him. He looks her then, she is all sharp lines and harsh features. Her uniform was immaculate and cold, he imagines it would be rough to touch.</p><p> She has nothing of the softness that Rey held. </p><p>His eyes flicker to her name tag, Bazine. Her dark eyes light up at the thought of him looking anywhere near her breasts. She really isn’t his type. </p><p>He watches her as she runs her manicured hands over his thick legs, pushing them apart so can place herself between them. She bites her bottom lip seductively, the black lipstick staining her perfect white teeth. </p><p>“You know i take my job very seriously for this airline, I am their most experienced hostess after all” she whispers sultry before looking around the deserted lounge. </p><p>“It would be my pleasure to take care of your problem sir” she coos coyly as slowly unzips his jeans. Dark eyes meet his and he can’t help but shudder and not in a good way. </p><p>Perhaps if he closes his eyes he can relief some tension then he can go back to being the functional adult that Rey is expecting him to be. </p><p>He shut his eyes and imagines Rey. Imagines she is on her knees, grinding her wet pussy on his leg, begging to swallow his cock down her throat. He would put his hand around her throat as he fucked it so he can feel how much of a good girl she was as he stretched her. </p><p>He moans loudly as his traitorous cock weeps through his boxers now. He can hear her chuckle as she mouths him “all this for me” she preens and Ben has to fight the bile back down his throat. </p><p>Not for you, never for you. Only for her. </p><p>He keeps his eyes closed as he clicks his phone back on again and puts his AirPods back in with trembling hands. </p><p>“ This is how this is going to go” He rasps, his hands finding the back of her head. “I’m going to fuck your throat and if I don’t feel teeth, I’m going bend you over this chair and fuck your dirty cunt. If you talk even once then I will pull out and leave you to finish yourself off” </p><p>He can feel her nod against him and she starts tentatively sucks his balls. She is a poor tease and he is already disappointed. “What a well behaved little whore you are for daddy“ He hiss sarcastically as he shakily presses play. </p><p>maybe this won’t be so bad after all. </p><p>He closes his eyes and lets the imagine of Rey wash over him till he finds himself drowning it. </p><p>“Right.. where was I” he can’t help by groan, like she knows she this doing just for him, surely she must know how much he needs this now.</p><p>“ sucking me dry” he answers before angrily pulling Bazine’s head onto his dick. She coughs at the size, nearly breaking Ben’s illusion. She tries to pull off her mouth off but Ben holds her there steady. </p><p>“ Be daddy’s good cockslut and keep that pretty light mouth open for me while I’m fucking it” he taps her face as he feels the outline of his cock against her cheeks. He can feel Bazine hum around him in acknowledgment and attempts to catch her breath while Ben can all but roll his eyes in boredom.</p><p>Rey would take it</p><p> Fuck she would scream as he fucked her throat raw; punching little moans out of her. She preen as he pulled her hair, she swallow every inch; drooling and moaning for more of him. She would be such a good whore for him as she played with her dripping clit, so desperate to cum. Not caring if it’s him fingers or hers. </p><p>He would make her cum; he would be the one to make her scream.  All because of was such a good, good girl for him. </p><p>“You look so fucking good with your lips wrapped around my cock, your mouth was made to take this cock weren’t it” he pants now, drowning so deeply in the dream he has made for himself. He never wants to wake up from this, from Rey.</p><p>He can faintly hear Bazine spluttering over Rey’s voice as he sets a punishing pace, he feels himself hitting the back of her throat and his balls tensing. He wants to be cum now, he knows he doesn’t have long. </p><p>“It’s just hope and I” she says nervously and he loses it. </p><p>She’s single. </p><p>He should be a better man, he should feel bad that nobody is there to take care of her, to pound that tight pussy like she needs, to give her breakfast in bed and all the things she deserves but Ben has never been a better man and he really doesn’t feel like starting today. </p><p>He opens his eyes slightly, careful not to break his illusion as he pulls Bazine off. He allows her as gasp before spinning her around; she is wheezing and trembling as he bends her over the leather chair. He pulls her skirt up, her lacy thong to side and ruts in. </p><p>Bazine moans so loudly that he misses Rey speak again and that won’t do at all. His hand circles her throat and presses; hard. She is reduced to muffled pants as he puts his weight over her, pushing her face further into the leather. </p><p>He needs her quiet. </p><p>He needs to hear the wet slap of his balls against her sopping cunt but above all he needs to hear Rey. His other hand bruises her hip as he holds her against his cock but he can still hear her. He trails his hand down her thighs and collects her wetness before bringing it to her lips. Her lipstick is smeared across her cheeks as he shoves his fingers into her mouth. He winces as he feels her teeth catch his fingers clumsily. “Suck” he demands, leaving no room for hesitation and that finally shuts her up. </p><p>He wouldn’t want Rey to be quiet, he would need her to beg. </p><p>He can feel her cunt flutter around his cock, her legs trembling and knows this won’t last longer. </p><p>“Fuck! I can feel that sweet little pussy clenching around my cock, your going to take every last drop sweetheart” he is rasping now; struggling to think, let alone speak. </p><p>“ We are really looking forward to meeting you and hope you have a nice flight” Rey chirps and he can imagine them both waving at the camera again.</p><p>He hears the click of the end of the video and cums harder then he has his entire life. He pulls out of Bazine and quickly stuffs his softening cock back into his boxes as he checks to see if someone saw them. Relief floods him that they are alone except the flicking monitors and lights of the planes. </p><p>Ben arranges himself hastily before turning back to a disheveled Bazine. </p><p>Her ass is still up, his cum leaking down her thighs when he hears the call for his gate.</p><p>He pats her ass absentmindedly as he downs his drink, his Adam’s apple bobbing before raising the now empty glass to her  “your such a good little slut” he can only attempt a croak before checks Rey’s video again. He rewinds it as he stumbles to his gate. </p><p>He has to make sure he watches it fully this time; for educational purposes of course. </p><p>That lie seems to carry him well enough as he closes his eyes on the plane, the slightest of chuckles escaping him.</p><p>Maybe he isn’t so bad at practicals after all.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Turn the light off before you go to bed</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>We are almost there!!! Can’t wait for everyone for these 3 to meet but have a nice dash of Poe and Ben in the meantime :) xx</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hi,</p><p>The next chapter is now coming up tonight so please click the next chapter, just rereading to make sure it’s 100% ok. Just want to take everyone again for their understanding and patience, updates will be regulars now as kids are all ok for the minute lol and as long as interests continues. Thank you again, i can’t tell you how much it means to me that you have even taken the time to read this! Lots of love and take care! Xx</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Light will guide you home.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ben comes home.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Want to thank everyone again for their patience and understanding while my son was unwell, I hope this chapter makes up for it :) </p><p>I can now update regularly as kids seem to all be ok for the minute lol please subscribe and share :) </p><p>Next chapter we finally meet Hope!! and Ben makes a ass of himself 😬 xx</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The airport is a concert of noise when Ben arrives through the customs and just like before every noise of the fellow passengers seems to overwhelm him. He rolls his shoulders as his flashes his passport at the customs officer; every muscle groaning and creaking in protest at having squeeze into a chair too small for him for over 8 hours. For all the years of flying with his dad, it still hadn’t suited him. </p><p>Jetlag is a bitch. </p><p>He pulls his AirPods out, rubbing them to relieve the sting. He should feel guilty about not taking them out sooner but he had a siren call to answer. He has never met someone who had completely taken over him like this before and he hadn’t even seen her in the flesh. Something in her eyes called to him, such loneliness and something he couldn’t name yet swimming in her beautiful eyes. His very soul seemed to answer back, I see you, your not alone and I’m coming; he knew he was being called home. He knew it just as much as he knew their kids would have her eyes and freckles with his hair; hopefully not the ears though. Rey might like them though or at least he hoped she would.</p><p>Getting ahead of yourself here Solo, who said she would even look at you!  Your here for Hope! Focus! </p><p>Can’t I have both? </p><p>He tries to silence the war in his head as he makes his way to the luggage ramp, pushing through the minagiary of people till he notices a small Asian woman wiggle next to him, she shots him a apologetic smile before she too starts trying to find her luggage in the sea of bags. He doesn’t know why he looks at her twice but she seems so out of place among the crowd, he inspects her closely noticing she is all small curves and smiles. He can make out a galactic wars t shirt tucked into a leather skirt and can’t help feel a bit of a appreciation, well at least she has taste. She is such a tiny little thing compared to him; she reminds of him of the type of girl who lives for Christmas as long as Santa is a stripper and in candy g-string. </p><p>He finds the majority of his luggage with ease except one; he cranes his neck to get a better view of the carousel, wondering how long the remainder of his belongings with take to be delivered. Hopefully soon;  all he can smell and taste is stale clothes and B.O from the other passengers, making him cringe. He takes a cautious smell of his own clothes before wrinkling his nose; this earns a small giggle from the girl who he can’t kept help but raise a eyebrow at; he didn’t realise he was being watched. He straightens up and faces away from her, hoping she will get the hint and leave him alone. She doesn’t; she just laughs harder.</p><p>People slowly fade around him except for the Asian women who nervously keeps glancing up at him. She rocks on her heels, making her ankle boots squeak on the floor. Ben clenches his jaw and he can feel his eye twitch as the sounds slowly grates at him, thankfully she quickly gets the hint and mutters a soft sorry before she excitedly points to her several pink cases. </p><p>Cases. Plural not singular.</p><p>It’s take her so long to get the first lot of her luggage off that the rest carry on back around the carousel. She looks at him defeatedly and shots him a pleadingly look and nods her head to his own suitcase now tucked behind her.</p><p>Ben all but grunts and rolls his eyes as he easily grabs her luggage, what the fuck has she packed in here! A dead body. He side eyes her a silent question to which she just smiles and shrugs. He can’t lie to say he is impressed she managed to swindle eight bags of this as carry on. He makes a note of name tag </p><p>Rose tico </p><p>He swear he has heard that name before but the  thought quickly vanishes as she drops the last case on his foot.</p><p>“Oh Kriff! I’m so sorry” in her defence she does try to drag it off him but he is quicker push it off, he gives her a tight smile that doesn’t reach his eyes and nurses his foot.</p><p>That’s what you get for being a gentlemen.</p><p>“ Please go away” he hiss through gritted teeth, glaring and smirking wickedly when he hears her huff and turn from him to arrange those brick lined cases on her already towering trolley. </p><p>“Tease” she says so flippantly and confidently that it takes him back, </p><p>Well I’ll be damned, a friend for you Solo.</p><p>No, he can’t of heard her right, he must of imagined it. Nobody that small has a attitude like that on them. </p><p>Gobsmacked, he shakes head and limps out of the to the New Arrivals gate. He begins to feel fresh air hit his face, the chill sorely welcomed after the musky stent of the plane. First class or not, it’s all the same recycled air. He strides as quickly as possible, desperately trying to get out of here and get some sleep. He can distantly make out various coffee shops and fast food joints as he weaves through the crowd; his stomach gurgling in protest. He will crack open a protein shake when he gets to the school. Just need to get out of here already.  </p><p> </p><p>already.  </p><p> </p><p>He is nearly at the entrance when he sees Threepio  holding a card with his name. He nearly falls over himself at how quickly he stops, hissing as his luggage comes crashing into his ankles. After all these years, it feels better then he would ever admit to see him again though it stings more then it should that it isn’t his parents. Obviously they had other priorities. He sighs and pinches his nose, trying to collect himself, what was it his therapist told him?</p><p>You can’t change what people do or feel but you can change how you react to it.</p><p>So he plasters on his best smile and makes his way over, it’s not Threepio’s fault after all. He has never been anything but polite and kind to him, if not a little annoying at times. He was a constant presence in his life which he is grateful for; it’s still a lot more then he can say about his parents. </p><p>“Why hello sir, how good it is to see you again and I must say how much you have grown” Ben chuckles and is relieved that his voice hasn’t aged even if there are a few crinkles in his always pristine appearance, Ben extends his hand and tries to grip his more frail one but Threepio is having none of that and pulls him into a tight hug. Ben isn’t a hugger but he will on this occasion. This only occasion.  It’s been far too long and it’s kinda nice for someone to want to touch him, to miss him even slightly. It must even surprise Threepio as he stays frozen for a couple of seconds before patting his back in a wobbly voice.</p><p>“It’s good to have you home Ben, I have missed you so much” He knows from him that it must be the truth; he has always been incapable of lying and it’s the main reason why Ben loved him so much as a child.</p><p>He tries to grab Bens bag but Ben is quicker and swats his hand away with bright smile, earning one from Threepio before nodding towards the door. He spies R2 out of the corner of his eye, holding a similar name card too and wonders who else is new to the school. A thought that would never previously occurred to him before; he chalks it up to personal progress and makes his way to the car waiting for him.</p><p>A Bentley.</p><p>Suddenly the night air leaves him and feels like a small child being scolded, surrounded by the noise of the taxis pulling away and the bright light of the street lamps. At least the air was fresh now. Threepio seems to notice and offers a small, knowing smile. “ your father thought you would appreciate the joke” </p><p>All he can do is nod as he pushes the bile back down his throat as he squeezes himself in the back and closes the door quickly. Threepio slowly and awkwardly gets into the driver seat before pressing the divider button up.</p><p>“I will leave you to your thoughts sir” he smiles warmly and Ben soon forgets the joke. He always knew when Ben needed space to just be him. </p><p>He hope he can afford Hope the same luxury. </p><p>He soon becomes fixated with the street lights as they leave the airport, he begins counting them, surprised that the seem to continue the whole journey back to home. It’s all he can see now in the dark. He feels like he has paid his coin to the ferryman and is being escorted to the underworld. His mother must certainly be Cerberus then; hopefully after she chews him out a bit then he might finally be at peace. His stomach grumbles too loudly now to ignore, surrendering, he begins to rummage around to find something to drink or eat till he finds a set of books sitting beside the mini bar. </p><p>Ben squints in the dark, the passing light giving just enough glow for him to make out that it is the school brochure. Warring with himself, he lazily flicks through the brochure; finally admitting he is maybe a bit too interested to see how his old home has shaped up. </p><p> Mustafar hall was just a derelict castle when his mother inherited with no trees or green to be seen in all its acres, something that perplexed him as a child.  Grandma said that grandfather Anakin had brought it in hopes of reconnecting with her and healing their family but things went from bad to worse and after the divorce, grandfather had neglected it, preferring to let it mirror his soul. </p><p>At least that’s what grandma Padme used to say.</p><p>He can’t remember if that was before or after she started fucking his best friend, Obi-wan.</p><p>Oh well</p><p>He remembered being so excited when he was a kid to move from the states to there, just to be anywhere closer the only person he could remotely relate to, who didn’t expect anything from him and accepted him as he was, even the darkest parts he kept hidden under lock and key from his parents. He remembers that quickly changing however when he realised why his mother never let him near grandfather alone or that his new bedroom didn’t have a floor or a unbroken window. </p><p>Fun times.</p><p>Yet still in death his grandfather provided more security then his father had in his entire childhood. Anakin was self-made billionaire while his father gambled their house and lost everything they ever knew, forcing them to leave the state with their tails between their legs as he couldn’t say no to a card game. His mother managed to smooth most of dad’s debts away but the stain of her wayward husband’s deeds clung to them and cost her seat in the senate. Something that shouldn’t of thrilled young Ben as much as it did. He hoped it would mean that his mother might notice him at last but that wasn’t meant to be. </p><p>So many emotions course through him in that moment as he flicks through the pages of the glossed brochure. He didn’t even get two pages in till he sees a picture of the three of them; mother obviously wanting to flaunt her picture perfect family. So much bitterness burns in his veins as he sees a teenage Ben reflect back at him. He cracks open a Pepsi, gulping it down and hopes it might dampen the fire burning in him now. He breaths in and out again; trying to control his rage, knowing it would do not good smashing up another Bentley, especially his mother’s Bentley. </p><p>He looks at himself with a shudder; it seems like a life time ago and he simply can’t connect the shy, awkward kid to himself anymore.  The young Ben with limbs too big for his body, features that don’t match with each other and ears to rival dumbo’s.</p><p>Really hope Rey doesn’t see that photo. </p><p>Hoping to distract himself he turns his attention back to the rest of the brochure and the castle.  He can’t lie that the old place seems to be healing from the pain of their past and appeared to scrub up well after some serious whitewashing and force knows how much money. </p><p>The moss had been replaced with growing red and green Ivy, the broken windows had been replaced by tinted rose windows, there was now a pretentious water fountain with a swan that looked like it was throwing up water as you first come in, surrounded by newly paved gravel. A new tennis court, even a indoor and outdoor pool. Very fancy.</p><p>Where there was acres of previously demolished forest and marshland, now a wide range of shrubs and trees had been planted. There were pictures of children enjoying the new rose gardens, playing in paved courtyards and running through a enormous maze of yew trees. </p><p>Must keep Hope away from that. No good losing her on the first day.</p><p>The school’s kitchen was now completely self sustainable thanks to the new walled kitchen garden and now boasted 120 apple, 60 pear and 40 tomato varieties; cause kids really give a shit about that sort of thing. A cruel chuckle escape him when he reads that the remainder of the vegetables go to the Jakku orphanage; his mother did so love a charity case.  He is almost 100% sure that his mother has never set foot in that kitchen or any kitchen in her life.</p><p>He continues to read that there is now a beautiful 35 acre lake for the children to enjoy, that they can take rowing boat or do a lake walk and spot all the little birdies like kingfishers, swans, crested grebes and herons, who all make their home around the lake.</p><p>Awww isn’t that cute. You could almost forget that it was the former home of a cult leader. Mother must be so proud. </p><p>The last of the street lights blur past him and he knows before he sees the golden gates that he is home. His stomach flutters and not from hunger. </p><p>Well here goes nothing </p><p>The brakes of the car screech and whine as he notices another Bentley pull up in front of him,  causing the car to swerve and sending him crashing into the window before hastily readjusting himself and his clothes. Rubbing his head carefully; he checks his watch and wonders who is arriving at this late hour? </p><p>His nerves seem to build and build like a the start of a bonfire as the car begin to slow down, he knows every step he takes closer is like adding gasoline to the fire. There were no trees to hide the view the last time he arrived here and the beauty of the place takes his breath away as the car finally enters a clearing, the castle now visible and shinning proudly in the pale moonlight. He knows when the car hits the gravel it will be a matter of minutes, maybe less before he sees his parents. He can vaguely make out two figures standing in front of the drawbridge leading to the school. They look like eerie sentinels against the backdrop of the moated castle; it must be his parents. A mixture of sheer happiness and anxiety bubbles and crawls under his skin. He was so wrong; it wasn’t a bonfire, it’s was a fucking firework. </p><p>He rolls down the window, sticks his head out and waves. Feeling so much younger and free after all these years; In this moment he knows he was right to come home. The happiness is short lived as they pull up to the figures and his heart comes crashing down to his stomach. </p><p>Well that firework fizzed out quick. </p><p>The same small Asian women from the airport wobbles out of the Bentley ahead of him, spins around gives him a small mock salute but he loses all interests when he sees who is helping her pull her cases of the boot. A tall, lanky red-haired man to be precise. </p><p>What the fuck is that fucking asshole doing here! </p><p>His mother forgot to mention that little tit bit </p><p>Hux </p><p>His anger rises so quickly that everything becomes a blur as he tumbles out of the car, his shoes failing miserably on the shingle. He almost misses the way Hux creases up, eyes widening and shoulders shaking as he tries to suppress a laugh at something the girl has said before looking around and adjusting himself.</p><p>Ben stops, mouth open and eyes wide in horror. He has never seen him laugh in his life; a snide smirk or a condescending chuckle but never a full bellyaching life even if he is stifling it. It’s creepy. Ben is sure the sound will haunt him till his grave. </p><p>He thinks it must even surprises Hux by how much he tries to correct himself, his mask of indifference firmly back in place even if it doesn’t reach his eyes. Hux struggles pulling her endless luggage out of the boot and frustratedly clicks at R2 to help him; it’s Ben’s turn to laugh now. That’s when he sees him and icy eyes glare back at him.  </p><p>He almost misses the way Poe jumps in front of him, shielding Hux and the girl from his view. He has never hated seeing him more then in this moment. He would of given anything in this world for his parents to of been here instead but he guesses even now they still had better priorities. He can’t control the sting now and knows he will need to beat the shit out of something before he has any hope of sleep. </p><p>Maybe Hux if he can get close enough. </p><p>“Hey buddy, it’s been what? Ten years” he pulls Ben into a tight hug, ushering him away from the pair now scurrying off into the darkness </p><p>His eyes can’t help but stay fixed onto their shadows, wishing nothing more then to chase after Hux.</p><p>Fuck this. He didn’t sign up for that.</p><p>“What’s that cunt doing here” he points at nothing and finally notices Poe properly. </p><p>He is still the same in many ways; brown hair and brown eyes except he now has a beard and it all suddenly hurts so much. He is dragged back to that day at the tree and Poe recognises it too before stepping back and looking sheepish. He is reminded of how very long it’s been, of how much has changed and everything he has missed. </p><p>The look in Pope’s eye is new too, a mix of anxious, happy and ashamed. Ben quickly decides he hates it, it brings back too many memories for him to deal with right now.</p><p>“Leia hired him” </p><p>Coward </p><p>“Of course she did” he curses before grabbing his things, faintly registering Threepio driving away and continues to follow Poe down the gravel path away from the school and into the dark. </p><p>“Who is the girl” he grumbles, hoping that she isn’t Hux’s girlfriend. He can’t handle the knowledge that the pasty bastard might being getting laid and he isn’t.</p><p>Not yet.</p><p>He quickly pushes it down; wondering if he is actually crazy like grandfather. </p><p>“That is Rose Tico, she is going to a teaching assistant in your class and helping you with Hope, her mother requested it” </p><p>That can only mean one thing; she doesn’t trust him around Hope. The pain just keeps on coming tonight as he listens to crunching of the path under his shoes, he keeps his mouth shut as his therapist told him that it helps when you want to kill someone. Poe is just the messenger.</p><p>He doesn’t know why he is shocked, his mother never trusted him so why should she.</p><p>He wonders how much his mother has told her about him to think that. </p><p>He makes his way to a series of cottages, marvelling at the sound of owls and crickets as he goes. It’s all so new and different since he left and he decides that he likes it, nothing will ever be what it was. Not even him. He walks into the courtyard that separates all the cottages from each other and the amazement continues.  </p><p>He knows the cottages used to belong to the small number of servants that run the castle in grandfather’s day but it’s seem that even they were revived, all nine cottages now were separated with a small garden, a courtyard and parking. He notices at the far end that one of the cottages has its door open and presumes it must be where the tico girl must be staying.</p><p>Ben feels a ghost of a breath against him, a whisper of a dark thought invading his sense.  Startled, he looks around him till he can barely make out something or someone in the distance. Closer to the main house across the field he notices someone with their lights on, a shadow of a man standing in the window, watching him. It raises hairs on the back of his neck and he can’t place why. </p><p>“This way mate, the students use the main house now. We only have a couple that live in at the moment but once we get the school up and running properly know who’s” he hears Poe fumbling with the keys against the oak door before using his body to push it open and tripping inside.</p><p>Poe, ever the optimist.</p><p>He offers the man one last glance before following Poe inside, stomping and kicking the dirt of his shoes at the entrance. The lights click on to reveal a bare but functional room of all browns and creams with a kitchenette, small living room and bathroom down the corridor. It reminded him of a hotel room or if his dad had decorated it. Maybe he had. Speaking of dad, where is he? </p><p>“How about a beer, it would be great to catch up properly after all this this. I know we have called but it’s good to see you” Poe looks so happy, like a puppy finally seeing his master coming home from work. </p><p>Ben wasn’t very good with pets “Erm maybe another time” he counters; he was tired and hurt from his parents lack of appearance. He is watching Poe intently now, anybody else would miss the lightening flash of hurt in his brown eyes but not Ben. They knew each other too well to ever hide.</p><p>Poe nods slightly and stares absentmindedly at his trainers before throwing out another line, hoping for Ben to take even the slightest nibble. </p><p>“Oh right, well your right I guess, you had a long fight and we got a busy day tomorrow. I know how about a game of pool at the teachers lounge tomorrow night” he wiggles his eyebrows and flashes a grin that even the Cheshire Cat would wank over. </p><p>“We’ll see” He deadpans and watches another flash of pain. </p><p>He doesn’t want to do this, he doesn’t want to hurt Poe but he doesn’t need friends. Having friends got him jack shit before and they weren’t going to help now.  Poe doesn’t bother trying to cover the hurt now as he bites his lip, still staring at his shoe and leaving only awkward silence hanging between them. </p><p>“You know what happened....it was the biggest regret of my life Ben” Poe mumbles, more to himself then anyone.</p><p>He still flinches when he hears that name, it’s still so knee jerk for him. His gone by kylo for so long that it still doesn’t sit right with him, like he is putting on a disguise. He was never truly kylo but he will never be Ben Solo again. Not like he was. He still can’t decide if that’s a good or a bad thing. Maybe he can heal now like this place has.</p><p>Images scrap across his mind like nails on a chalk board. Flashes of the tree, of fists and lips, the sound of gravel as Snoke pushes him into his Bentley, of his uncles eyes when he screamed for help and his fathers fists banging on the door of Snokes school.</p><p>But that was then and this is now.</p><p>He nods still not talking properly because in all honesty he doesn’t care. He is numbed to it now. It wasn’t Poe’s fault. Poe’s family protected him while his did not; simple as that. He was always unwanted while Poe was the shinning poster boy of entitlement. Everything his mother wished he was and now knows he can never be. </p><p>He wishes he stayed in New York. </p><p>“It wasn’t your fault, It happened and that was that” he whispers as if saying it too loudly would actually mean something, like it would change everything but he knows deep down that can’t really happen however much we wants it to.</p><p>“I came for you” Poe says nervously, his eyes finally meeting his. </p><p>Ben needs this to stop now. This conversation. Everything. The last time Poe was nervous was back at the tree. He don’t like Poe nervous, nothing ever good happens when Poe is nervous. He looks around the room, anywhere at all except Poe.</p><p>“I know” he whispers so softly that he almost believes it himself and that’s it. Poe picks it up as quick as ever and it’s like nothing ever changed. </p><p>“your girl Hope is a lovely girl by the way, all crazy hair and teddy bears.  I have seen her down the cafe that her mum works at” Poe chirps cheerily and points out of the window, vaguely in the direction of the place where Rey worked. Ben  wishes it was light so he could follow that direction. </p><p>Poe coughs as his voice seems to catch up with him,  “Be a big change for mr tall dark and brooding hey” he playfully punches his shoulder. Guy talk. </p><p> Poe is trying and Ben does appreciate it but he could do without the commentary just for tonight. It’s been far too much already and he really needs sleep or a punchbag. </p><p>“Mums cute too; great ass” he laughs as he hears Ben’s answering growl. Poe has always been too good at fishing for a reaction, he seems to still have the knack for it as Ben starts unloading his bags in the hallway. </p><p>“But I guess you know that” he even has the nerve to wink and flashes that shit eating grin again, Ben can even feel the traitorous corners of his mouth twitch upwards in spite of himself. </p><p>Comfortable silence hoover over them but Poe starts fidgeting, arranging himself on the brown sofa, his hands becoming his new fixation. </p><p>“Hey Ben, go easy on Rey” Poe babbles, quitely picking the dirt from under his nails. Ben can still hear the faintly concealed warning in his tone; he can’t help but wonder why it is even needed. </p><p>What am I missing?</p><p>Ben walks into the kitchenette in search of a glass, banging each door as he goes. He finds one in the end, noticing the slight wince Poe gives after every slam. Maybe because he knows too well that him and furniture don’t go very well.</p><p>He finally grabs a protein shake from his bag, gulping greedily like a man in the desert. His voice seems to off betrayed him; it has been silenced by his increasing anger. All he can do is nod and hope Poe understands, he has been simmering since seeing Hux and know he sounds like a brat now but he needs this like oxygen. </p><p>He would never hurt her </p><p>“I wouldn’t ever hurt Rey or the kid, it’s not my fault that the mom has daddy issues because some asshole left her’ </p><p>It spills out like word vomit, his strained voice barely recognisable even to him and he knows he is being spoilt but it’s the truth and truth is always a bitch. </p><p>Pie freezes for half a second before raising up to the his full height, puffing his chest out like a peacock. </p><p>“Ben this isn’t about you, this isn’t even about Rey, this is about Hope. If you can’t be professional then you shouldn’t be doing this at all” he explodes, squaring up to Ben in the feeble thought that he could ever take Ben on. </p><p> </p><p>“That’s enough Poe” A firm and beautiful voice demands. There was never any room to question it. Ben spins frantically, all thoughts of Poe leaving his mind. He is so desperate to see the owner of that voice. </p><p>She did come for me, he thinks weakly. </p><p>His mother is standing in the door and she is so much older then he could ever imagine her.  He is taken back to a small boy, holding onto her skirts in a senate meeting and braiding her hair, so hungry for the slightest bit of attention and approval from her. She has always been so strong, invincible in his eyes but now he seems to tower over her. There is grey in hair now and crinkles in the corner her strong eyes yet too him, she is still the strongest and formidable women he has ever met.  </p><p>There are tears in her eyes as well now and he can’t speak.</p><p>“You may leave Poe” she waves to the door, dismissing Poe. She eyes never leave Ben’s. </p><p>Poe turns to him and sighs defeatedly; this obviously isn’t how he wanted this to go. He runs his hands through his hair before nodding at Ben.</p><p>“Look... I will see you tomorrow and talk properly” he pauses to check if the words have sunk in before walking out the door. Or at least Ben thinks he does. He isn’t paying one slight bit of attention to him to realise. </p><p>They just stare. It’s been so long. So many years of wishing something from her, a call, a letter, a hug, anything. So many things he so desperately needs her say to him. She is so tiny, if he just grabbed her then he could make her say it. He would make her want him like he wanted her all those years.</p><p>Her hand shakes as she raises it to his chest like she is scared he will vanish in front of her. She doesn’t speak  but he lets her touch him. She smiles when she can feel his heart beat under her frail, jewelled hand. </p><p>“Your really here” her voice wobbling then the tears come and it’s enough for now. He will take that. It’s all still too raw but he has always been a sucker for pain. He pulls her to him so tight he fears he will crush her, perhaps that’s a good thing. He might just swallow her and neither of them will ever be alone again. </p><p>It’s what they both want but won’t ever say. That would be like losing and they are both too stubborn for that. He can’t remember how long they stand there but he knows all the lights outside are off now.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Never ever have done this before and have no beta. Done this all on my phone so please be kind and not kill me too much! Lots of love and take care xx</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>